Jay Z Is Like Van Exel

"Oh, god dammit," you say. "There weren't any new posts for a month and I was happy 'cause I figured maybe you'd given up on your pseudo-intellectual literary masturbation."

NOPE JUST MOVED TO A NEW PLACE AND DIDN'T HAVE INTERNET FOR A WHILE. I'M BACK^[1] AND BETTER THAN EVER.^[2]

Since moving out of my old (college) apartment and into my new (yuppie) apartment I've read the following things:

• The Sirens Of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut
• The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson^[3]
• Killing Yourself To Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman
• Galapagos, also by Kurt Vonnegut
• I have a copy of Vonnegut's Jailbird from the Cambridge Public Library^[4] but I won't read it. I only got it while I was waiting for the library to get . . .
• Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace^[5] and now that they have a copy for me I'm gonna go right for it.

I did not write posts about those books as I read them; I figured, "Hey, I don't have Internet, so I'll just keep reading. I'll write the posts later." I was lying. I'll probably do a post about The Sirens Of Titan later -- and Galapagos, too, 'cause it was good -- but I'll have to pass on writing a bunch about "Spaghetti."

I liked "The Gospel," don't get me wrong, but it was really short and I can summarize it by saying this:

Intelligent Design is not based on evidence, and we should not be teaching anyone anything in science class that isn't evidence-based. It's not about God or religion, it's about the quality of the education we're giving children. Believing it is fine; teaching it as though it has as much scientific weight as evolution is just wrong, and teaching one evidence-less "alternative theory" (ID) opens the door for others (Pastafarianism, The Invisible Pink Unicorn, etc.).

You guys may notice that I'm sort of abandoning the list of recommended books you gave me a few months ago. You're right. I have it bookmarked, though, and I'll get back to it eventually.^[6] I'm sticking with Vonnegut for a while 'cause he's awesome, and Infinite Jest will actually take me a month to finish.^[7]

I have read Killing Yourself To Live four times now.^[8] I used to think that Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs was better than Killing Yourself To Live. I was wrong. They're not even close, actually, but I think it's pretty weird how I've just now come to this realization. I don't know why my opinion changed, but I do know why "KYTL" is better:^[9]

Why Killing Yourself To Live Is Much Better Than Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs Or Why Ian Was A Big Dummy

1. "KYTL" has all of the things I like about Chuck Klosterman's writing (the culture references, the digressions, the laugh-out-loud humor) without the sort of shitty parts (I can't get through an essay about Subject X because I don't care about Subject X; all of his novels' characters talk exactly like him). It is a perfect primer for what he's about and what he does that's appealing. Dude names his rental car The Tauntaun. C'mon.
2. It's not an essay collection. This is kind of an extension of the first point, but to be more explicit: There's an essay in "Sex/Drugs" entirely about the Real World and what it represents. If you don't like the Real World, you will not enjoy that essay. There are also essays about Billy Joel's ethos^[10] and Saved By The Bell. I like those things (analyzing the hell out of pop music, shitty 90s television) but the essays are superfluous.
3. Killing Yourself to Live's plot is very, very good. Chuck goes on a cross-country road trip to visit places where rock stars have died, but it's mostly a memoir about the experience rather than a list of "Well, here's where Kurt Cobain swallowed a shotgun shell; here's where Buddy Holly's plane went down. What do those events mean?" In the beginning of the book he pulls an Eggers and explains the central theme -- his interactions with three women, with two of whom he's involved in ultimatums -- and I finally got it this time. It was cool.
4. There's a section of the book (maybe a few paragraphs) where he explains his infatuation with Beyonce's (then-new) "Crazy In Love." I had forgotten this part existed. High School Ian did not care about Beyonce, really. Yuppie Ian often wants to write about why her (now sort of-new) "Countdown" is the epitome of pop music, so reading this section with fresh eyes made me feel cool.^[11]

This was a long one, huh? I'm gonna pick up Infinite Jest tomorrow. I am excited.

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[1] This is true.↩

[2] This is not true; though I don't remember fourth grade, I assume that I was a King.↩

[3] My Mom bought this for me for my birthday. Did I say that in a previous post? I think I did. Eh.↩

[4] Socialism!↩

[5] Specifically the version with the Dave Eggers foreword so I may reach the ultimate in pretension.↩

[6] Don't hold me to this. I read the books I wanna read! I'm a big kid now! It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!↩

[7] It's almost 1,100 pages long and -- frankly -- I have shit to do.^[*]↩

[8] Sophomore year of high school; the summer before entering college; the following summer;^[+] a week ago.↩

[9] I recommend both of these books, by the way. In the past I would have said to start with "Sex/Drugs" but that's just bad advice. READ ON, AUDIENCE.↩

[10] Chuck uses the word "ethos" all of the time. (He says "all of the time" a lot, too, but -- like -- I'm my own man, dammit.)↩

[11] "Cool" insofar as I have the same thoughts about pop music as a "hipster" rock critic who ends almost all of his chapters with some variation of the sentence, "I am alone."↩

[*] That Mitchell And Webb Look is on Netflix in its entirety.↩

[+] On Long Beach Island, I think.↩