Mo' Money Fewer Problems 'Cause Money Is Great

I got hired permanently yesterday. My internship was upgraded to a Job I Will Do Indefinitely which is super because there are puppies at the office every day, I get meals^[1], and the work is fun and dynamic and challenging. They're gonna pay me, too, which got me thinking: As someone earning more money than before, I will be even more better than everyone else. They call it net worth for a reason, and that reason is simple: Money is great, and if you don't have a ton of it you're missing out on the core of what's good about life:^[2] feeling superior to the poor.

You are what you eat. This man is literally made of money.

As you are faithful readers, you remember my first post about purchasing a Kindle and the reasons for doing so. Kindles, I'm afraid, have been rendered blasé by this influx of ca$h-money. I will not be part of the 1%, with their dressage and their saving Gotham from Bane's OWS allegory,^[3] but I will need to differentiate myself from even the Kindle Class. Frankly, it's time for me to step my game up.

More Inane Shit I Can Buy Because I Am Better Than You Plebeians

1. Anything from Sharper Image. It's all trash in that most of it doesn't work (probably) and the things that do work are totally unnecessary, but -- fuck -- you don't want a $1,500 iPod Jukebox? 'Cause I do. I do.
2. A Private Ja Rule^[4] Concert. Ja's fell on some tough times and his last album was a flop, so I reckon I can swing the costs. I will (probably) be unable to afford an Ashanti appearance, but I assume there's some sort of sexual prayer-dance Ja can do to summon her. (I will call him "Ja," for we are both players in the Rap Game.)
   
   YO STARE THOSE EYES I
3. A lock of Beyoncé's^[5] hair or something. Like have you heard "Countdown" I mean good lord I just want to hold her baby and absorb like a fifth of its (promised) talent.^[6]
4. A second Kindle. This is doubly good because it inconveniences me. I'll have to carry around two Kindles for anyone to know I have a second one -- I just won't care. Woe, behold my burden: One Kindle, see, will be for Important Books. These are novels with purpose: cumbersome prose, unlikeable characters, anti-sexy sex scenes.^[7] These books will establish my superiority and lend me an aura of mystery and vague intellectualism. The second Kindle, so as to preserve the sanctity of the first, will be for Rick Santorum and Pat Robertson books alongside various forms of erotic literature. Bonus points for works that integrate kitchenware and/or buttered rolls.^[8]

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[1] Breakfast, lunch, and 3:30 snack time. Usually cookies, sometimes pie. Big fan of pie.↩

[2] Also good: friendship, a child's laugh, crushing your enemies under the weight of your violence.↩

[3] I saw The Dark Knight Rises on Sunday. You know how I know Bane wasn't a symbol for Occupy Wall Street? Bane had clear goals. Zing!↩

[4] HIS NAME IS AN ACRONYM FOR "JEFFREY ATKINS REPRESENTS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE EXISTENCE" NO JOKE↩

[5] She doesn't even need a microphone!↩

[6] I would absorb the talent by learning from the baby -- "Baby, how should I break into the music industry?" -- and not by eating it. Calm down. That's silly.↩

[7] I started reading The World According To Garp. Obviously it'll get its own post -- probably a series of posts -- but I'll give you a teaser: HOLY SHIT.↩

[8] "Ugh, another stupid song -- wait, is this about fucking in a kitchen?"↩