You Did This To Me (Thanks)

I bought a Kindle because I need to be seen reading. That's why anyone buys a Kindle; no one buys one and reads it in his house. Look at this technology! It's sleek. It's fashionable. I feel intellectual just holding the thing. Never mind what I'm reading -- I read in public. More importantly, I am the kind of person who reads in public. I'm deep. I have thoughts about things. The issues. Ask me about the Affordable Care Act.

Not pictured: me, holding one, looking nuanced and sexual

Yes, plebeians, enjoy your iPods, earbuds, and The Metro's yellow journalism. TomCat split up? Really, now. How very sad. I thought they were going places, but -- oh, this little thing? It's my Kindle. Surely you've heard. You know, the screensaver doesn't use any battery. Truly a marvel. I just don't know how I went on without it.

Yet the problem with establishing superiority over the groveling eBook-less masses is that I, in fact, had no eBooks. A proud new Kindle owner, I had no material with which to fuel my insatiable Holier Than Thou attitude. To be sure, I'd read books before -- silly essays about cereal, depressing fables, the rantings of an angry stand up, a categorization of nerdiness -- but nothing my newfound serfs could truly appreciate. I was no better than the people reading Fifty Shades Of Grey on the bus, diddling themselves. I needed a solid ground on which to dictate and glow.

So I asked you folks for books, and you delivered. A ton. So many. Honestly, fuck you. I'm only one man. You know that books, like, take a while to read, right? It's not the same as recommending an album or a movie: this is like homework. But I'll read all of them. Okay, not all of them -- I don't want people to talk about my "book friends." But I promise I'll read a large majority of what you all recommended, and I'll write about those books here.

I'm about halfway through Cat's Cradle now. I know I'm halfway because my Kindle (I have one, you see) tells me I'm sitting at 50% completion, though there are no page numbers. I'm swirling in a realm lacking frames of reference, reading and tapping that "next page" button. It's fun.