Cat's Cradle

I finished Cat's Cradle just now. What the hell, man? What the fuck was that about? This is what I read first? Are you serious? I loved it, but (spoilers) everyone dies? Seriously? Everyone? Did you guys know about this? Why would you -- ugh.

Plot Summary Time!

Cat's Cradle is about this dude named John who wants to be called Jonah who is writing this book about what people were doing on the day the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima.

"I am a Bokononist lol"

He doesn't give a shit about the people in Hiroshima; he just needs to talk to people involved in the making of the bomb. He talks about one of the fathers of the Kill Explosion (I'm tired of writing "bomb"), Felix Hoenikker. Felix isn't that prevalent. Like, he exists, but we never meet him. He dies pretty quick. Well, the story of his death is relayed to John. It was a while ago. He worked on the atomic bomb and invented one other very important thing. I'll get to that; calm down.

Okay so John / Jonah writes a letter to Felix's three kids to see what they were up to when all those people got incinerated. One, Newt, responds. The other two kids are Frank and Angela. Angela plays clarinet and doesn't contribute much else. Frank builds pretty sick train sets in a store and bangs the shopkeeper's wife every day.

Frank Hoenikker, laying tracks instead of pipe. For now.

Newt is a dropout from Cornell. He was pre-med. Likes to paint. Newt is also a midget. Once we know he's a midget, Vonnegut only refers to him as "little Newt." Not "Little Newt." It doesn't become part of his name. He's just constantly referred to as "little." It's a permanent adjective. If one of the characters were pregnant, Vonnegut would presumably describe her as "rotund Sally" every fucking time. This is hilarious.

Autistic Raymond

John goes to some shitty town in New York to interview everyone, where he also learns about Ice-Nine, the other thing Felix Hoenikker invented. Ice-Nine is a compound that changes water's molecular structure so its freezing point becomes ~114 degrees Fahrenheit. For the less-sciencey folks, this means that if you throw Ice-Nine in water, the water will freeze if it's at a temperature below 114 degrees. Normally that freezing temperature is 32 degrees. Okay.

Somehow or other John / Jonah goes to some made-up island called San Lorenzo. I forget why. He goes there, probably to interview somebody. But San Lorenzo's weird as shit! It's ruled by this dictator named "Papa" (his name is always in quotes) who's got cancer and threatens to execute people constantly. They've got this banned religion called Bokononism that was started by some Bokonon bloke who's now on the run. He's not really on the run; Bokononism is officially banned in San Lorenzo, but only to give it a certain mystique. Everyone on the island is secretly a Bokononist.

Also supports banning things he secretly practices (gay orgies)

Bokononism is pretty cool, I guess -- it acknowledges that everything it claims isn't true. The idea is to believe the lies and maybe you'll have a decent life. They've got this weird foot-ritual, too, but it's no sillier than actual religious rites. Pressing soles together, eating a wafer, same deal. I think that's the point, anyway.

"Papa" is feeling a bit ill

So Papa's really sick. He collapses. In the hospital, he kills himself with Ice-Nine; he ingests it and his body (containing moisture) turns into a block of ice. Frank Hoenikker is in line to become the next President of San Lorenzo, but he gives the position to John. John accepts reluctantly, but mostly so he can fornicate with / defile this gorgeous woman named Mona. He keeps talking about her feet. These people have a thing for feet.

So then San Lorenzo's doing this inverse-Hate Week thing where jets fly over their island and destroy caricatures of "Enemies Of Freedom," like Hitler, Marx, etc. It's a celebration of their freedom; one big, masturbatory "We're awesome!" But one of the jets is on fire (whoops) and it crashes into the island and Papa's palace crumbles. Papa slides into the ocean and -- oh fuck -- all of the water in the ocean turns to ice. All of the water on Earth turns to ice.

Suddenly, glaciers

Then there are a bunch of tornados for some reason. John / Jonah and Mona hole up in an old torture chamber. John makes sex on Mona. Get it, bro:

I will not go into the sordid sex episode that followed. Suffice it to say that I was both repulsive and repulsed.

Jesus christ I'm so sorry you guys

They stay in the chamber for a while, and when they come out, everyone's dead. There's a mass grave where people have all killed themselves by ingesting Ice-Nine. Mona does the same. Boop. John gets in a cab (??) with some other people (????) and drives past Bokonon, just sitting on the road. He's finishing Bokononism's holy text, The Books Of Bokonon. He needs help with the last sentence, where he talks about the stupidity of mankind.

This prompts John / Jonah to climb a really high mountain, leave his now-complete book -- the book we've been reading!!! -- at the peak, eat some Ice-Nine, and die. The Fucking End.