- Books assigned in high school, but only ones you claim were over-appreciated. Identify with the commoner: You've read some of the same books. Exert dominance: You just know they're shit.
- The Bible. Acknowledging that The Word is given away for free, you spring for the Platinum Edition when your soul is on the line. Not that you're religious -- you're more spiritual. A free-thinker who has shunned dogma, you follow a vaguely Eastern philosophy focused on the Self's Path to Righteousness and Noodles. T-Pain is 'bout it, 'bout it; did you not know?
- Motley Crue's The Dirt. When prompted, sigh over a "lost era." Kickstart the lowly man's heart. You know the true relevance of Tommy Lee's throbbing, pulsing, explosive -- er, bass kicks.
- Any and all books featured in the first season of FOX's The OC. Speak of the first season's unabashed genius whenever the subject is even remotely broached. "What am I reading? Just a little book I saw on an episode of The OC. Shame it fell off after that first season. No one seems to appreciate the way the show captured teen privilege in an era of bourgeois . . ." It is not important that you know what any of these words mean.
- Fifty Shades Of Grey, because no one -- to my knowledge -- has masturbated on the T ironically. Squirming under the weight of your own arousal, you will bite your lip. "What in the world are you reading?" the basest of classes will marvel. "Marley and Me," you will whisper, taking your leave, having conquered a new frontier.
So there it is! A list of books your Kindle Lifestyle demands. I'm just kidding about the lewd sex acts on the T, by the way. Don't do that -- unless you chase glory like none before you.
I, eh hem, read Fifty Shades of Gray on the metro in NYC between visiting friends. I've never been so grateful for anonymity (my own and my reading material's anonymity). Good call. And I do hope you've actually read it and that you're not just taking the word of every middle-aged American woman.
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