T Etiquette

This post does not directly involve books. Fight me. #IDGAF #YOLO^[1] #Kony2012.^[2] I've started using footnotes, too, because I'm still reading Consider The Lobster and I can't very well write a plot summary for a series of essays. Rather than write about the articles -- an act that would largely consist of me saying, "Yep, he's about right," idiotically -- I'm just going to bite a bit of DFW's style. It's not stealing, it's an homage.

Google Images says this is a "modern yuppie,"
I shit you not.

As a young, urban professional,^[3] I am familiar with the public transportation system in my favored Metropolis. No one owns a car anymore, not in these times. Especially not me: I can't drive and be admired for reading a Kindle simultaneously!^[4] Riding the T every day -- I have a monthly pass -- of course qualifies me to pass judgement judgment judgement on those who irk me. Here's a list of things you shouldn't do on/near the T; thank me later, preferably with pie.^[5]

Shit You Do On The T That Makes Me Want To Punch Your Stupid Head

1. Try to board before everyone has gotten out. This is super-rude and it really does fuck everybody up. The people leaving (A) have places to go and (B) are making the train less densely-packed by departing. Just wait the two goddamn seconds so we don't have to awkwardly shuffle past one another. How do you not know this rule? I assume your parents didn't teach you manners because they killed themselves early on, unable to raise such an awful, shitty child.
2. Stand in front of an open seat. I'm not going to read my Kindle standing up like some poor commoner. Move, or at least sit in the seat so I can tower above you, my eBook reader glistening in the (almost certainly carcinogenic) fluorescent lights.
3. Initiate conversation. Do you not see the Kindle? I am above you. What am I reading? Aww, look who's literate! I'm reading an essay collection -- maybe you can get it at a library, you dead-broke socialist.
4. Stand on the left side of the escalator. It's unhealthy for me to experience this much boiling rage in the morning. Nah, it's cool -- block everybody. To be fair, though, the Big People Stairs might be tough with your wheelchair.^[6]

There you have it. Proceed with caution, friends. Also here's a goofy picture I planned on using:

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[1]"You Only Live Once," for those fortunate enough to not know. There's even a song.text

[2] For reference, it's this video. I'll save you a lot of editorializing and just say it was a really, really good example of two things: 1. The power of social media to "raise awareness" and 2. The credulity of people willing to hit that "share" button without any hesitation. (The leader of Invisible Children was arrested for public drunken masturbation shortly after the video went viral, which is hilarious in a very dark way.)text

[3] I once saw an older man wearing a "Die, Yuppie Scum!" shirt, presumably without irony. He had an angry walk and smelled of despair.text

[4] If they (the plebs) saw me driving and reading at the same time, I would assume they'd admire me while being terrified; this is precisely the emotional cocktail I want to instill in the seedy, Kindle-less underbelly.text

[5] Why am I not always eating pie?text

[6] This did not actually happen, though I'd like the record to show that I have no problem violently assaulting the physically handicapped.text